A Must Read for Siblings of Caregivers

I grew up in a large family with an abundance of siblings.    My father passed away over 10 years ago and due to my living in the same State as my parents I became the Caregiver by default.    Being the dutiful son I stepped up and did what had to be done. Did not complain, just did it.   Only a couple of my siblings flew home to help and that was for a short period of time. 

Nearly all medical and financial decisions fell in my lap.  There was no handbook on how to be a Caregiver so I learned as I went.   It was stressful but I perservered.   Inevitably there were a couple of siblings that wanted to share with me how I should do this or that.   These are of course the ones that are always great at dispensing advice yet nowhere to be found when I needed relief, albiet even temporarily to the hundreds of times I sat in the Hospital with my Father as he lay ill and offered comfort and guidance to my Mother in these difficult times.

To all the siblings who mean well by offering advice on how things should be done - Dont give it unless you plan on rolling up your sleeves and helping out performing your wonderful suggestion.  I am very resourseful person and learned what needed to be done to ensure the best care for my Father. What I didn't have was the energy or support that I needed.   Being the "strong one" in the family has it's drawbacks.  If everyone constantly looks for you for the answers, where are you supposed to turn for answers when you are falling apart?

Fast Forward to 2007.   After 10 years of handling my Mother's financial affairs and many other decisions on her behalf, my Mother fell ill and needed to be placed in a Nursing home for rehabilitation.   Here we go again.   With the exception of a younger brother, no other sibling stepped forward to offer assistance. Out of Sight, Out of Mind.  

The time came when it was no longer prudent for "Our" mother to be placed in assisted living.  My caregiver responsiblities took on a different dimension than when I cared for my Father.  This time saw back biting within the siblings and of course I became the target of this since I was the Power of Attorney.   These educated siblings used the fact that I was POA to let every decision fall in my lap.   Stessed out once again and going through anxiety issues caused me a great deal of distress.   Not only was I trying my best under the circumstances to handle the onging needs of my Mother, I was under the gun from my own siblings for trying to do the right thing for "Our" mother.  

The stess was too much to handle.  Mom was getting older and need additonal care and every sibling dealt with this life change by somehow blaming me because they had to interrupt their life they were asked to step in to help.   Remember me saying "No good deed goes unpunished" ?

My mother is now going through another difficult time at this phase of her life and I am already seeing a repeat of past behaviour amonst my siblings: Out of Sight, Out of Mind.  Let me handle once again.  Never does anyone volunteer to help out. They have to be asked. Remember it is "their" Mother too.

I have attempted to turn to POA over to my siblings but it like I have handed them a hot coal.   Oh no they don't wnat to interrupt their busy lives to handle at the things that are attached to being a Power of Attorney.   Guess what folks, I put my life on hold in more ways than one by being the dutiful sone to "Our" parents.   And please stop treating the Caregiver as if it is their fault that our parents got old and took on some of the maladies that come with aging.  

Though I know it is the constant stress and anxiety that is talking there have been a couple of times that I thought about getting into my car and just driving into the sunset and never let anyone know where I've disappeared to.  Either scenario would finally get me out the role of Caregiver and force one of the siblings to take over whether they wanted to or not.

A couple of my siblings have said that I need to move on with my life and start living it.  I would love to move on with my life.  Of course they only say this after the crisis has come to pass.   Whenever the next crisis occurs guess who is thrust in the middle again?  Let me ask you dear siblings, who is going to assume these duties. Do you think they take care of themselves? Does the Caregiver Fairy automatically appear at each crisis and handle everything?   

No one can truly empathize with a Caregiver unless they have walked in their shoes.  And as anyone  who has performed Caregiver tasks knows: Caregivers wears some very big shoes.

God Bless all of us who give freely of our time and love to help those we care about.